I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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