quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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