I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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