Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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