The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
