i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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