Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
