It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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