Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
