i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
