Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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