he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
