Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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