I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
