did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
