Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
