i think my mom watched the whole time
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
