I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize