Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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