watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
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I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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