Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
