**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
