Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
