meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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