JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
