my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
