Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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