I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
