just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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