kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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