I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
