Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
