Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
