My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower