I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.