How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.