____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
