When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
