I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
