Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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