OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
