I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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