very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
