Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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