You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
