They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
