Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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