I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize