Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
