so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
