just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
