Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's official drugs can't kill me
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
