I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I AM VODKA MAN
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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