My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
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if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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