Your face is a jimmy john
Apparently you make a good broom.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
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I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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