Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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