The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
