Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
