i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
