no you cant smoke seaweed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
